Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Rapid Hope Loss

At times I learn to understand certain phrases or sayings when i never truly did before.
Its really hard to keep myself motivated with things.. School mostly. I feel so bi-polar, and It's frustrating. 
Life is going so great for me right now, although I can't help but stop and look. 
Friends come and go. That has always been the hardest thing for me. I mean, true, good friends have come hard for me. I'm a guy that seems to constantly change, or maybe I have just been at that point in my life recently where I'm just trying to figure out who I am. I think I'm getting a lot closer. So many friends I have grown apart from, it makes me cry sometimes.. I can't explain what it's like to be close to a guy and have a guy there for you. This sounds homosexual, but my male friends, my buddies mean a lot to me. They make me feel like I just betray them, It's not that way, they just don't understand, they are selfish. I choose to better myself, get back into a better lifestyle.. they don't. We aren't friends anymore really. 
I love my woman though, she's great.. I feel so overwhelmed though, like not by her.. just with everything going on, all that I have to think about. Graduating, College, Money, School, Homework, Gah.. its all the same. I don't want her to feel like I'm neglecting her, I just get so stressed and caught up in it all.  I forget to realize how great everything really is, then I get depressed.

I'm not losing hope, not in the least bit; if anything, just a little discouraged.. only because I'm not looking forward to everything i need to do in order to graduate on time and prove everybody that I am capable. The Singleton's aren't hopeless, They are not under-achievers.  They are great people. Wise, smart, Kind, Selfless, Blessed... I break the norm, I break cliche' I overcome. I want to prove so many people so many things wrong. But for a good thing. I want to be so "liberal" and so out there that I scare people at first. Then i want them to realize that I'm not bad, or wrong, or immoral like they think. That God isn't what he has been made out to be. What "Christianity" or "Religion" is truly about. It's gotten so distorted it makes me sick. I don't even like calling myself a Christian. It's not what you think though. I am not ashamed, I am not scared. I do not go by what a "Christian" would. I think that most of them have it all wrong. You could call me a minority. Call me anything you want. I say that I am True, And Honest, 100% real or I'm not it at all. Re-la-tion-ship. It's the only thing that matters.. Everything else that is supposed to happen will when you get that right.

This blog has turned into a massive rant, unloading.. okay. I feel a lot better, I guess there were just some things I needed to say.


1 comment:

J~me said...

I sit here crying overcome with pride and joy at what you are becoming. You amaze me!!!!!! I wanna be just like you someday =] I love you.